Not everyone is a narcissist: why overusing the label hurts more than it helps

In recent years, the term narcissist has exploded in popularity—and not in a clinical sense. It’s become a catchall for anyone who is selfish, emotionally unavailable, or just difficult to deal with. While it’s valid to name harmful patterns, not everyone who causes emotional pain has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Overusing the term not only muddies our understanding of human behavior, but it can also delay healing, reinforce stigma, and undermine meaningful relationship repair.

Why the Label “Narcissist” Sticks

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a legitimate diagnosis, but it is rare—estimated to occur in only 0.5% to 6.2% of the general population (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). Yet the public perception often vastly overestimates this, influenced in part by pop psychology and social media.

Research shows that narcissism exists on a spectrum, and many people exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting diagnostic criteria (Miller et al., 2017). Traits like defensiveness, lack of empathy, or a need for validation may be part of temporary coping strategies—especially during stress or trauma—not signs of a fixed personality disorder.

If you’re navigating a painful relationship and unsure whether it’s narcissism, trauma, or something else, our therapists can help you sort through the confusion.

Emotional Harm vs. Personality Disorder

Being hurt by someone doesn’t necessarily mean they have a personality disorder. Emotionally immature behavior, insecure attachment, or unresolved trauma can look like narcissism on the surface. Studies have shown that early attachment disruptions can lead to maladaptive interpersonal patterns that resemble narcissism but stem from vulnerability and shame (Kealy & Ogrodniczuk, 2011).

Labeling such behavior as narcissism may prevent us from asking deeper questions:

• Is this person acting out of fear, pain, or shame?

• Is this a relationship rupture or a pattern of exploitation?

• Can this behavior change with boundaries, support, or insight?

We explore these themes in depth in our blog post on trauma bonds vs. real connection.

The Rise of Pop Psychology

The rise of social media and self-help content has led to the widespread use of clinical terms in non-clinical contexts. One study on “psychological literacy” found that while the public is increasingly exposed to psychological terminology, there is often a significant gap between usage and understanding (Furnham & Swami, 2018). Misusing terms like “narcissist,” “gaslighting,” and “trauma bond” can lead to both over-pathologizing others and underestimating the seriousness of true abuse.

Learn more about attachment theory and emotional safety in our recent posts.

What To Do Instead

• Name the behavior, not the person. Say, “They dismissed my feelings,” instead of “They’re a narcissist.”

• Look for consistent patterns. A single selfish act doesn’t define someone. Narcissistic disorders are persistent and pervasive.

• Consider context and history. Are they under stress? Avoiding vulnerability? Acting out of a trauma response?

• Seek professional support. A trained therapist can help you sort through what’s happening, set healthy boundaries, and work toward healing—whether that means staying or leaving.

We offer individual therapy for relationship recovery and couples therapy for navigating emotional patterns.

Final Thoughts

Calling someone a narcissist may feel empowering in the moment, especially when we’re hurt or confused. But misusing that label can prevent genuine understanding and personal growth. It can also diminish the credibility of those navigating real narcissistic abuse.

Healing comes not from naming and blaming—but from clarity, boundaries, and, when possible, compassion. Not everyone is a narcissist. Sometimes they’re just wounded, overwhelmed, or underdeveloped in their emotional responses—and human, like the rest of us.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.

Furnham, A., & Swami, V. (2018). Mental health literacy: A review of what it is and why it matters. International Perspectives in Psychology: Research, Practice, Consultation, 7(4), 240–257. https://doi.org/10.1037/ipp0000094

Kealy, D., & Ogrodniczuk, J. S. (2011). Pathological narcissism and the difficulties of everyday life. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 28(3), 392–406. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024172

Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Hyatt, C. S., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Controversies in narcissism. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 13, 291–315. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045244