Saying No — and Being Shamed for It: How the Toxic Inner Critic Gets Installed-(inspired by the work of Pete Walker)
Why Saying No Feels So Hard After Trauma
For survivors of childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or chronic criticism, saying no is rarely just about the present moment. It activates deeply ingrained survival responses shaped in early relationships.
When caregivers responded to mistakes, needs, or autonomy with shame, punishment, or withdrawal, the nervous system learned a dangerous equation:
Self-protection = rejection.
As trauma expert Pete Walker explains, children in these environments internalize external criticism and develop a toxic inner critic—a harsh internal voice that polices thoughts, feelings, and boundaries long after the original threat is gone.
This is why boundary-setting often triggers:
Intense guilt or shame
Fear of being “too much” or “selfish”
Immediate self-attack after asserting a need
Urges to backtrack, apologize, or over-explain
These reactions are not signs of weakness. They are trauma responses.
From a trauma-informed perspective, people pleasing and boundary collapse are not personality traits — they are learned survival strategies designed to preserve attachment and reduce harm.
Healing involves helping the nervous system learn that saying no no longer leads to danger.